Why Self-Abandonment Isn’t a Flaw (It’s a Strategy You Can Retire)
Let’s start with a reframe that might immediately lower your blood pressure:
You didn’t abandon yourself because you’re broken, weak, or secretly terrible at boundaries.
You did it because you’re adaptable.
At some point in your life, your nervous system looked around, assessed the situation, and decided:
“Okay cool, this is how we stay safe, connected, and not in emotional danger.”
And honestly?
That was kind of brilliant.
Self-Abandonment Isn’t a Personality Trait
It’s a Strategy
Most of us learn self-abandonment early, quietly, and very efficiently.
It can look like:
Saying yes when you feel a subtle no
Over-explaining so no one gets upset
Sensing what others need before they even say it
Editing yourself just enough to keep the peace
None of this happens because you lack confidence.
It happens because, at some point, authenticity felt risky and connection felt essential.
So your nervous system did what nervous systems do best:
It optimized for safety.
The only problem?
What once kept you safe might now be making you tired.
The Body Always Knows First
(Your Brain Just Takes a While to Catch Up)
Here’s something no one really tells you:
Self-abandonment usually isn’t a thought.
It’s a feeling.
It shows up as:
A tight chest
A subtle sense of dread
That exhausted “here we go again” feeling
The urge to explain yourself when no one actually asked
Your body clocks the mismatch long before your brain forms a sentence about it.
And then, because you’re human, you override it.
Not because you don’t trust yourself -
but because you’ve been trained not to.
Healing Isn’t About Becoming Tougher
It’s About Becoming Safer
A lot of personal growth messaging subtly implies that healing looks like:
Being unbothered
Being firm at all times
Never second-guessing yourself again
In reality, healing often looks much quieter.
It looks like:
Pausing instead of reacting
Noticing the pattern without immediately stepping back into it
Letting yourself feel mild discomfort instead of familiar exhaustion
No fireworks.
No dramatic declarations.
Just a small internal “huh… interesting.”
And that pause?
That’s where everything changes.
The Most Underrated Healing Moment
The biggest shift usually isn’t the boundary itself.
It’s the moment you notice what you’re about to do…
and don’t.
You don’t explain.
You don’t justify.
You don’t perform emotional gymnastics.
You just… stop.
And in that pause, your nervous system learns something new:
“Oh. We’re safe and we’re honest now.”
That’s how trust rebuilds.
Not through force.
Through repetition.
You’re Not Late. You’re Right on Time.
If you’re realizing all of this now - good.
That means your system is ready for an upgrade.
You’re not behind.
You didn’t miss your chance.
You’re just no longer willing to pay the old cost.
Self-abandonment isn’t a flaw you need to fix.
It’s a strategy you’re allowed to thank…
and gently retire.
Want to Practice This Gently?
If this resonates, I created a free 5-Day Authenticity Reset to help you start listening to yourself again - without blowing up your life or overthinking every interaction.
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No pressure.
No perfection.
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